miss


i realized it’s been 6 weeks since i said goodbye to my girl, and 6 weeks since i stopped sleeping.  at night she’d be passed out on the sofa, but whenever i’d get up to go to bed, she’d follow me to her blanket that was right next to my bed.  i’d hear her snoring, her doggie dream woofs, her settling in and getting comfortable, her long sighs – and all was as it should be.


all is no longer as it was, and i hear sounds.  five years ago my home was broken into and it was months until i slept normally.  i hear the house creaking, i hear the sounds of the critters in the laurels, i hear my own thoughts.  when i couldn’t sleep in the past, i would come out to the sofa, but she is not there to snuggle against anymore, to lick my hand and rest her head on my lap.


it was just me and her for many years.  our lives started together while i was married and continued into many years after that chapter ended, moving into this house, through jobs, through relationships, through gardens.  she was my best friend.


when i was getting ready to say goodbye, the strangest of songs came into my head, and still occasionally echoes in my mind.  one that was not written about a pup, yet kills me just to softly sing aloud as i thought of what was up ahead, and what i’ve now experienced.  she was my baby girl, don’t you see.  it’s an aching that has opened up to an excruciating level.


when my father died, it was similar – a lot of intellectualizing and a lot of shock for the first month, thinking ‘well, i guess i’m dealing with this ok’.  until i wasn’t.  i still look for her water bowl in the corner of the kitchen, her bed in the corner of my room.  i can’t move or sprinkle her ashes or collar or photo that have all sat in the same spot since she died on my front porch.  the other day i came out to the sofa in haggard sleeplessness and the tears just came out in floods.

it’s time to grieve.  (this is the song)

You and me  We used to be together  Everyday together always  I really feel  That I’m losing my best friend  I can’t believe This could be the end  It looks as though you’re letting go  And if it’s real  Well I don’t want to know 

Don’t speak  I know just what you’re saying So please stop explaining  Don’t tell me cause it hurts  Don’t speak  I know what you’re thinking  I don’t need your reasons  Don’t tell me cause it hurts

Our memories  Well, they can be inviting  But some are altogether  Mighty frightening  As we die, both you and I  With my head in my hands  I sit and cry 

Don’t speak  I know just what you’re saying  So please stop explaining Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)  Don’t speak  I know what you’re thinking  I don’t need your reasons  Don’t tell me cause it hurts 

It’s all ending  I gotta stop pretending who we are…  You and me I can see us dying…are we? 

Don’t speak  I know just what you’re saying  So please stop explaining Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)  Don’t speak  I know what you’re thinking  I don’t need your reasons  Don’t tell me cause it hurts  Don’t tell me cause it hurts!  I know what you’re saying  So please stop explaining

Don’t speak, don’t speak,  don’t speak,  oh I know what you’re thinking  And I don’t need your reasons  I know you’re good,  I know you’re good,  I know you’re real good  Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la  Don’t, Don’t, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin’  Hush, hush darlin’ Hush, hush  don’t tell me tell me cause it hurts  Hush, hush darlin’ Hush, hush darlin’  Hush, hush don’t tell me tell me cause it hurts

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