blues below the equator

When it rained down sorrow it rained all over me When it rained down sorrow it rained all over me Cause my body rattles like a train on that old SP I’ve got the TB blues ~ jimmie rodgers (1932)

i breathe in, i breathe out.   i am ever evolving and under your gaze i became raw and unnerved.  feeling the sun from every angle, i ran but you could always see me.   i was naked and vulnerable but you could always find a way to keep me out of the rain, covering me with your jacket, telling me shhh, there there, i’ve got you.  and when you broke, when you shook, i held firm.   until i didn’t.  i was afraid of the past being the present and was trying to right a wrong.   instead, i wronged a right.  i won’t deny there were things you did as well, things i have to rectify in my mind, why did you lie, why did you let things go down that road.  but at the same time i’m learning to stop trying to know why there are bolts of lightning, and why the air suddenly smells sweet after a long awaited rainstorm.  under you i was transformed, and with my own light i shone harshest on you, and me.   there was nothing i could do but see myself in your eyes, in your buddha, in your carefully printed letters on paper on the homemade card you mailed me.  

and while i tried to be strong for you, i was also a girl feeling her own fears, confused at what you were presenting.  you made it easy for me to picture myself in the dark clouds of city,  pointing up at the crack of sunlight coming through a cloud until you laughed aloud.   i dreamed my dreams and you took hold of them,  and i felt my skin warm and my eyes light up each morning and each evening because of that.   you opened your arms  and i crashed into them,  a girl looking at a boy.  little did i want to see the reality of your situation because  like teenagers,  that moment needed to last.   but it didn’t,  and it couldn’t, and despite my chance to show i could handle anything, i revealed my own fears.   loudly. vehemently. overwhelmed with confusion and abandonment. i was hurt, damn i was hurt. because i wasn’t enough to make it all better. i wasn’t enough to heal, to give strength, to provide armor for your next battle.

my ex husband used to say i was a tiger, fiercely protective of her loved ones, so much so that it could get in my own way.  we are each our own worst enemies, and we each need to be each others biggest allies, while at the same time helping each other face their fears, their demons, their insecurities.

maybe this lesson was for me to learn and for someone else to see.  

maybe you’ll see all my cracks and crevices and imperfections and want to take the good with the bad, allow me to evolve going down the same track.  

you said you’d always have my back, no matter where we landed in our future, no matter where the roads took us.  maybe that wasn’t the case, but i’ll leave a light on and the jimmie rodgers record waiting..


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