contemplating next steps

the interesting thing about change is what we do to ourselves when it is occurring.  best laid plans don’t mean all that much.  we’ll say we’re going to do this or that then often we revert back to our tried and true habits, whether or not they are good for us.  i’ve been fortunate to have people in my life who have recently caught me in the act, and reminded me to take better care of myself.  while i’m still dealing with some physical repercussions of my self-induced stress, i’m also not balking anymore at doing what i need to do.  stepping out of my comfort zone to incorporate new habits, to relieve myself of the burden of following old patterns, is always a challenge but is always rewarding when i trust in the process, even though i cannot guarantee the results.  does this make sense?

when i ride, i don’t try to keep up with the racing types – i’ve realized i’m a sunday driver on my bike, loving the journey and not much into the race.  and when i’m struggling i remember something a former colleague told me, who is a runner – he said, go easy on yourself when you need to.  common sense stuff sometimes we just need someone else to tell us.

and when my body hurts, i have to address it how i know will work – and it’s all about touch.  sure, i’d rather have the hands be that of a lover and involving all kinds of other delicious distractions, but i don’t have that readily available right now, and therefore i went in today for a ninety minute mixed massage, incorporating hot stone, swedish, and thai massage, with some chakra balancing for good measure.  that last part?  it’s like a horoscope – take it as gospel or take it as a philosophy, another perspective – the latter being how i see it.  if someone can tell by how my body responds and aligns that i have something in my life i’m working on, by all means share that with me.  and right now, the concepts of self-protection and expression were brought out today.  self protection in a physical way as i took things a bit far last week and my body is not sure if it’s ready to evolve.  expression in that being able to communicate to someone else who you are.  as i’ve mentioned before, i’ve been known to overcommunicate to the point of babbling, overwhelming, confusion, or possibly all of the above.  those who know me well, they will stop me, put their hand on mine (physically or verbally) and say hey, girl, it’s okay.  i get you.  i love you.  your heart is where it needs to be.

and i also have the slight scent of tangerine oil on my skin – i don’t know if there’s anything better than hot oil during a massage along with an LMT who really knows what she’s doing – i.e. not beating the crap outta you but not tickling your feet 🙂

so, as i continue the babbling tradition… these last couple of months, i’ve been tossing around the idea of giving up my chocolate business.  not meaning ever creating these truffles and other desserts, just extricating myself from the expectation of  business right now.  too many other things i want to do.  and they don’t involve spending every weekend from october to december being forced into the kitchen.  in the winter, i want to travel.  there are too many other things i want to do and i’d rather live simply.  i love making chocolates, and don’t want to stop, just can’t work a full time job in the day and then spend every evening and weekend in this second job…

after all, in six months i turn 38.  how wonderful is that?  i’ve gotten in the habit of thinking about life at the halfway point between birthdays – how are things looking since i turned 37, where am i headed, what do i want next…

and i’d been sitting in limbo for so long in my last job, now i feel like the engines have been restarted and i can finally head in a direction that feels right.  that gypsy thing is striking me again (at least four friends now are traveling through various continents, wtf y’all!! hehe), yet all the while i think of replacing my front windows in the house and spending nights out in the backyard looking at the stars.  i am in that unique situation of having family in many places – not family as in relatives, but friends in lovely places all over the world.  so it doesn’t take much to get me off my duff if i’m with someone who gets that, who has that understanding of my many sides.  always having mi casa as one home base, but maybe another somewhere else?  who knows…all i know is that i don’t know nothin’…………………….

“if everything seems under control, you’re probably not moving fast enough” ~ mario andretti


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