Death and Hope

“Is there anything you tend to hoard, Aquarius? Anything you store up in excessive amounts? Are there emotions you cling to past the time they’re doing you any good? Do you notice yourself feeling pangs of acquisitiveness when in the presence of particular treasures or symbols or pretty things? If so, this is an excellent time to work on dissipating those fixations. In the coming days, you will have cosmic assistance whenever you exert your willpower to undo your fanatical attachments to just about anything.”  ~ Free Will Astrology Death teaches us about letting go.  His funeral is on Monday.  Someone emailed me thinking I had it wrong.  No one believes the truth.  He visited me in a dream the other night, held on to me, comforted me, told me everything would be okay. The dead have done that before.  And then he was gone.

When my father died I could hear a voice clearly in my ear.  When my friend died I could feel my face blush when he said, let’s go make out, and I giggled.  When another man I'd been with not long ago tore me into little bits via written words, I could still feel being tightly held as I fell asleep and still felt how distant he was at other moments.

I admit, I’m still holding on to that former love.  I don’t think of him every day anymore, but he still lingers.  He was the first person I wanted to tell things about and he was the last person I wanted to see before I closed my eyes.  Even when he flustered me.  Even when I didn’t know, I knew.  I’ve been in worse spots with someone I loved, but there was nowhere else I wanted to be.  Never did I get to see his face or hear his reaction when he opened the book I had made for him.  Who knows if he ever opened the box.  I just know that I loved the way I felt about myself with him.  Confident, happy, not afraid to be myself, not afraid to speak up.

Maybe in the end, it’s about remembering what someone left you with, rather than without.

With my grandpa, it was stubbornly doing whatever he damn well wanted.

In leaving my ex-husband, it was finding someone I could act silly around.

When three strikes meant the farmer was out, it was having that intense intellectual and physical connection combined, and feeling sexy even if I wasn’t the tiny size six I used to be.

My father died and I learned I couldn’t make excuses, I had to do what felt right.

So when the bloke emotionally erased the words ‘I love you’ off my palm in a long hurtful email, I had to trust my instincts and know that life was never that simple, that I know what was between us, and that was all that mattered in the end.  It was a beautiful beginning that he chose to end.  I wouldn’t deny myself the memories that had held my heart so softly.  He knows every secret, and I fell in love with him, and that’s that.

And then, this Monday, when my friend died, I know there’s nothing I can do but be alive.  It sounds simple, but it can be so easy to fall into the bottle, the ice cream, the television, the cigarettes, whatever someone’s weakness is, when you see a life cut short, children without a father, a love without a love.  It’s no time to be afraid of continuing to give generously of my heart.

Turn on the damn Johnny Cash and leave me alone.

There are places I’ll remember All my life Though some have changed Some forever Not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places have their moments With lovers and friends I still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life I’ve loved them all

But if all these friends and lovers There is no one Compares with you And these memories Lose their meaning When I think of love As something new

Though I know I’ll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I’ll often stop and think about them In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I’ll often stop and think about them In my life I love you more In my life I love you more

Bye, D.


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