this morning i tore up the remnants. remembered the details of what he said and tore up the remnants, the reminders that had poisoned a solo journey that i’d invited him to share with me. the amount of time taken to write so clearly about how unwanted i was? enough reminder that i don’t need to see the alcohol-infused skin that i’d tried to ignore, the lack of sensitivity in situations he’d refused to give, the artificial concern of all the months. i am too tender, i am too much soul and heart right now to look past what’s right in front of me right now. distraction comes today and i will let it. but i don’t feel like opening my heart, not in the least. i need gardens and beaches and to get past this godawful birthday that i used to want to shout from the rooftops about. i need to know where my paycheck is coming from more than a week at a time, to feel wanted by someone, something. i will never whore out my attentions like he did. i would rather be still than to pollute someone else’s heart. i need to be cleansed.