i’m experiencing something. symbiotic. evolutionary. growing pains. whatever one might call it. something is painful and you find everything else moves in slow motion around you as you try to make it all better. you doubt yourself, you reach out, you pull back, you feel funny in ten different ways. i’ve opened a new chapter and now my body and mind and heart are all trying to catch up. it’s okay, it’s nothing i can’t handle. but it makes me think of how i sometimes hold my breath. it reminds me of where i’ve been, where i’m going, where i want to be.
there is a simplification i’ve been working on for a number of months. get rid of the stuff. less stuff. not that i had a ton to begin with, but there is more i can do. i adore my sanctuary, but also know that the island could disappear tomorrow and that i’d be okay. i’ve fallen a bit in love with my surroundings, and yet i’m not obsessed. i’ve learned my lessons, i have more to take in.
there is someone who stirs me deep down. i don’t know how else to say it besides that. i am nervous a bit like schoolgirl, butterflies and such, yet the minute i hear from him i instinctively smile, i soften, i exhale. very much wanting to trust my heart but very much knowing what i need to hear. i talk too much. i think out loud. i write for miles. i’m that girl that doesn’t know how to hold back. wears her heart on her sleeve. if i give, i give freely. if i love, i love generously. i don’t know any other way. i’ve stopped trying to be any other way. it may leave me alone in the end, it may lead to him someday taking my hand and saying, girl, you don’t have to worry with me. i’m here now. breathe.
there is a possibility of everything.