sorry sorry sorry…i was riding my bike and landed at new seasons and looked longingly at the zipcar sitting on the corner and visions of portland nursery’s 5 acres of lovelies was too tempting not to snap up…i walked in and suddenly found myself loading 11 tomato plants (9 san marzanos and 2 yellow pears), 9 peppers (2 red bell, 1 yellow bell, 1 orange bell, 1 purple bell, 1 jalapeno, 2 serranos, 1 hungarian), and a new Beloved red rose bush to replace the dead Mister Lincoln (the beloved, also the meaning of my first name in French, is much hardier…ironic as the Mister Lincoln was my dad’s favorite, which I’d actually bought over the phone with him years back…). okay i’m not sorry. i’m high on dirt….
having a day off during the week is this perfect luscious little gift. i forgot how much fun i had when i was unemployed…when i got to that place where i finally said fuck it and let go, letting the fates fall where they may, and breathed in late summer…rode around town this morning on my trusty two wheeler, landing at the tin shed where i had one of their lovely mochas (always a perfect mix, never too chocolatey) and the big hit breakfast burrito which let’s just say involves pesto, yams, zucchini, mushrooms..and comes with a side of cheese grits…found my way over to whole foods for some pink salt and candied ginger from the bulk aisles (cheapest way to do it i tell ya) to complement my truffle making this sunday, cheated for lunch at burgerville (sustainable fast food, an oregon tradition i only allow myself to indulge in a few times a year), and spent the rest of the afternoon in the yard, gettin’ dirty and letting my mind clear.
it was interesting to have that experience yesterday….the ebb and flow of the grief process never ceases to amaze me and it’s true what they say, it never quite goes away. a year and a half after my father’s death, the moments are fewer and farther between as time passes, but when they do they tear at the scars and remind me how much i am learning through this. there is a lesson in everything and through these months i have found much in myself that is more powerful than i could ever have imagined, seeing a clearer version of me and what i have to offer…
tomorrow i head for some salt water therapy – okay, a trip to the coast. my girl daisy needs it as much as i do even though she can’t walk too far and cataracts are starting to cloud her eyes, and my boy G and I are going to go play and forget about those people who made our hearts all sad…he is in the process of divorce and it brought so many memories back to those days…but i do know that time does lovely things as after 5 years i regret nothing and am thankful for the chapter closing so i could open my eyes and see there is so much more out there for me.
“Tis’ better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else’s perfectly.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert