Gratitude.




my girl my girl my girl my girl...don't you know i still see you every morning, that i can't bear to do what he did and toss everything, that for me you are tattooed upon my heart....my girl my girl my girl my girl...don't you ever think i didn't love you, don't you ever think that you are not the brave strong smart beautiful brown girl with tree roots that encompass three continents, no matter what they try to deny in you....my girl my girl my girl my girl, how can it be that i've lost you and our pup in just one year, you who she relaxed around, you who she protected, you who loved her....my girl my girl my girl, i still have your handwritten words of i love you on my desk and i still have the bracelet you made for me and i still have be all that you are which my mother gave me as a child that i wanted you to have and the room with the electric blanket and big dresser and the room where we could create and read and dream and where you could sleep knowing that you.were.home. my girl my girl my girl, three months since you left and three months since my heart went with you as i told you yes, you are our sunshine, our only sunshine, and where he said i'd like to be your daddy and you grinned and nodded, and where you asked me if you could call me mom and where every night we'd hug and kiss you goodnight and where i taught you how to bake and to pick berries and to run as fast as you wanted and to build forts and to try everything imaginable and where he told me last week that he was so sad i could not be your mother, as we dined just the two of us, as we have never given up on you and the space will always be here for you if those powers that be change their policies, and where you, you my girl, taught me that i was indeed a good mama, even if it was not forever like we wanted....we cannot control a system that has lost its way, that isn't protecting you, that would rather see you abused than find new paths that protect everyone, a system that is allowing you to be told that you are not black, that wouldn't tell you why we are all wearing masks, that claimed her issues were intellectual rather than emotional and trauma-based and that the way she touched you and bullied you would simply be cleared up if you left foster care, that there was only one solution and it didn't involve the two people who love you the most because they wanted more for you than what you were experiencing. my girl my girl my girl my girl, til the day i die i will love you. i said goodbye to the baby in my womb, i said goodbye to the little boy who i welcomed from his mother's womb, but i will never say goodbye to you, my sweet girl.


i love you. oh how i love you. and oh, how i am so grateful that you graced my life. even through the tears of losing you, i am grateful for you, and how i hope for you to have a beautiful life even if i can't be the one to guide you.


”All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller


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