in heaven


He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. 

 ~Clarence Budington Kelland

i need you here today daddy.  i need you to tell me what to do.  how did you make it look so simple, where you were, far away, so far away from me.  i miss walking down the street with you.  i wish i could have said to your face how much i needed you, when you were awake. but i revered you – i couldn’t take the chance that you might turn me away.  how did you know what to do.  or did you.  didn’t you know how high of a pedestal i put you, the man i adored. and today i need you. fuck i need you. and you are gone.  you’ve been gone.  and my hands are tied behind my back, that’s how much i miss you.


anxiety was your middle name.  today i flail my arms in it, surrounded in it, anxiety begetting more anxiety.  it’s always been a conflict – is it the external or is it my own fault why i am feeling what i’m feeling. pointing a finger points four back at you, so naturally you blame yourself.  i’ve always been sensitive, my own worst enemy, and found my grace in the love i give to other.  distract your attention to others, give to them to give back to yourself.  yet how…how…how to find a way to not absorb their pain into your own sphere, that is where i struggle…it’s as if i’m a force field, gravitational pull all energies.


i told him, when i get to my source i am fine, it is just a certain environment where all of my anxieties are drawn out.  lately i’ve wondered if they are growing pains, they are so frequent and charged in this situation – the universe screaming at me to pay attention.  what am i not seeing, hearing, feeling…that’s what i ask myself.  stop thinking, stop obsessing and the answers will appear they say…

one thing i do know. it’s time for a new journey.  i will give up everything for the bareness of journey.  this girl’s always traveled lightly. it’s a forced habit to do the same thing every sunday morning, not that it’s bad, just that i know what’s missing.  


my father, he is the heaven that is in the air and the trees and the earth.  my father, i need you more than ever.  guide me, please guide me through the murkiness back into the cool clear water.  i love so deeply because of you. 

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