He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
~Clarence Budington Kelland
i need you here today daddy. i need you to tell me what to do. how did you make it look so simple, where you were, far away, so far away from me. i miss walking down the street with you. i wish i could have said to your face how much i needed you, when you were awake. but i revered you – i couldn’t take the chance that you might turn me away. how did you know what to do. or did you. didn’t you know how high of a pedestal i put you, the man i adored. and today i need you. fuck i need you. and you are gone. you’ve been gone. and my hands are tied behind my back, that’s how much i miss you.
anxiety was your middle name. today i flail my arms in it, surrounded in it, anxiety begetting more anxiety. it’s always been a conflict – is it the external or is it my own fault why i am feeling what i’m feeling. pointing a finger points four back at you, so naturally you blame yourself. i’ve always been sensitive, my own worst enemy, and found my grace in the love i give to other. distract your attention to others, give to them to give back to yourself. yet how…how…how to find a way to not absorb their pain into your own sphere, that is where i struggle…it’s as if i’m a force field, gravitational pull all energies.
i told him, when i get to my source i am fine, it is just a certain environment where all of my anxieties are drawn out. lately i’ve wondered if they are growing pains, they are so frequent and charged in this situation – the universe screaming at me to pay attention. what am i not seeing, hearing, feeling…that’s what i ask myself. stop thinking, stop obsessing and the answers will appear they say…
one thing i do know. it’s time for a new journey. i will give up everything for the bareness of journey. this girl’s always traveled lightly. it’s a forced habit to do the same thing every sunday morning, not that it’s bad, just that i know what’s missing.
my father, he is the heaven that is in the air and the trees and the earth. my father, i need you more than ever. guide me, please guide me through the murkiness back into the cool clear water. i love so deeply because of you.