Thank you to SheWrites for her blog that inspired me to write about the same topic. (PS do you know we share the same name, just spelled differently?)
I would be more of myself.
There is no use in looking back, and no use in wishing for a father to be alive or mother to love me as I need to be loved or the sister to be my best friend or the brother who died before I was born.
I wish to be more of myself so that I can do the things I want to do from here.
I have wrecked things, I have healed things, I have stumbled and I have sailed.
I have sat on the Pont Neuf and written in my journal. I have ridden a horse into the rum plantations of Jamaica and looked down at the sea. I have watched roller skating in Central Park and laid on the sidewalk with my family looking up at the World Trade Centers. I have swam in the ocean south of Zihuatanejo and eaten lobster al diablo fresh from it’s sea. I have held the hand of a friend while I saw my family’s crest on a castle in Scotland’s winter and I have made blueberry pancakes on a snowy Kent morning.
I have ridden bicycles at midnight down the streets of my hometown, long before people did that sort of thing. I have climbed up sand dunes and surveyed the Pacific. I have eaten Thanksgiving dinner on the beach with my love at the time and I have tried my hand at making it myself -once. I have buried my hands in bittersweet chocolate and offered it to the world, and I have gathered the courage to show my black and white portraits to the city I live in. I have camped in the desert with my father and gathered armloads of books with him in the city. I held his hand and rested my head on his chest as he took his last breath.
I have cracked jokes with trannies in a pie shop. I have sat in the middle of the street as a girl and sang songs with my best friends at night. I have danced for audiences. I have driven cross country alone with my thoughts. I have ridden trains winding through the wilderness. I have drank in pubs with dogs called Animal Lechter with men obsessed with Genesis and I have danced on top of blocks in clubs to Erasure and I have photographed hardcore bands from the stage.
I have lived in five major cities and I have traveled to six different countries. I have bought my own home with no one’s help and I have grown a garden I dug with my bare hands. I have wandered from place to place and still in many ways I am not quite home, and know there’s somewhere else I should be. I have worked with the elite and I have worked with the children of the inner city. I have been paid to make hot dogs and orange juliuses and I have sold records & tapes and designer clothes. I have hired, I have fired, I have coached, I have designed, I have developed. I have been laid off, I have been fired, I have resigned.
I have loved. Oh, how I have loved. I loved a boy in a Fonzie shirt I rollerskated with and I loved a man who danced with me in a rose garden. I loved a man I met as we came out of the ocean, and I loved a man who bought me an ice cream cone on our first date. I loved a man who left me poems and flowers and I loved a man who sold me great boots. I loved a farmer and I loved a bloke and I loved a bike messenger. I loved one man for seventeen years even through the other moments and now it is a distant memory. I had begun to feel my heart open to someone very recently and had it pulled away – but I still have love for him as he is still one of my closest friends. I have learned to evolve for the first time. But I will always love. Always hold dear every man who has brought those feelings about in me, given me inspiration, no matter how things ended. Love is never a regret.
I have had the most beautiful of friends, from the boys I climbed trees with to the girls I rollerskated and innertubed with to the boys who confided in me to the girls who encouraged the reality of me. I have laughed my face hurt and I have witnessed their shiniest and darkest of moments, as they have mine. They haven’t all remained the same faces over the years but I am blessed, I am grateful.
If I could be anyone? I would be me. But more of me. The whole of me. And I will keep striving to be more of myself, loosen myself from the fears and the layers that are holding me back. Next year I will be traveling again. This year I will be continuing to simplify. I will not listen to what they say I should do but rather listen to what my heart tells me. I will continue to follow my heart and I will continue to get up after every fall. I will forgive myself when paths don’t cross at the exact time but I will not give up on those I love. I will push down those walls and I will allow myself to be free.
I will be everything I was meant to be.