Inspiration – If I Could Be Anyone..

Thank you to SheWrites for her blog that inspired me to write about the same topic.  (PS do you know we share the same name, just spelled differently?)

I would be more of myself.

There is no use in looking back, and no use in wishing for a father to be alive or mother to love me as I need to be loved or the sister to be my best friend or the brother who died before I was born.

I wish to be more of myself so that I can do the things I want to do from here.

I have wrecked things, I have healed things, I have stumbled and I have sailed.

I have sat on the Pont Neuf and written in my journal.  I have ridden a horse into the rum plantations of Jamaica and looked down at the sea.  I have watched roller skating in Central Park and laid on the sidewalk with my family looking up at the World Trade Centers.  I have swam in the ocean south of Zihuatanejo and eaten lobster al diablo fresh from it’s sea.  I have held the hand of a friend while I saw my family’s crest on a castle in Scotland’s winter and I have made blueberry pancakes on a snowy Kent morning.

I have ridden bicycles at midnight down the streets of my hometown, long before people did that sort of thing.  I have climbed up sand dunes and surveyed the Pacific.  I have eaten Thanksgiving dinner on the beach with my love at the time and I have tried my hand at making it myself -once.  I have buried my hands in bittersweet chocolate and offered it to the world, and I have gathered the courage to show my black and white portraits to the city I live in.  I have camped in the desert with my father and gathered armloads of books with him in the city.  I held his hand and rested my head on his chest as he took his last breath.

I have cracked jokes with trannies in a pie shop.  I have sat in the middle of the street as a girl and sang songs with my best friends at night.  I have danced for audiences.  I have driven cross country alone with my thoughts. I have ridden trains winding through the wilderness.  I have drank in pubs with dogs called Animal Lechter with men obsessed with Genesis and I have danced on top of blocks in clubs to Erasure and I have photographed hardcore bands from the stage.

I have lived in five major cities and I have traveled to six different countries.  I have bought my own home with no one’s help and I have grown a garden I dug with my bare hands.  I have wandered from place to place and still in many ways I am not quite home, and know there’s somewhere else I should be.  I have worked with the elite and I have worked with the children of the inner city.  I have been paid to make hot dogs and orange juliuses and I have sold records & tapes and designer clothes.  I have hired, I have fired, I have coached, I have designed, I have developed.  I have been laid off, I have been fired, I have resigned.

I have loved.  Oh, how I have loved.  I loved a boy in a Fonzie shirt I rollerskated with and I loved a man who danced with me in a rose garden.  I loved a man I met as we came out of the ocean, and I loved a man who bought me an ice cream cone on our first date.  I loved a man who left me poems and flowers and I loved a man who sold me great boots.  I loved a farmer and I loved a bloke and I loved a bike messenger.  I loved one man for seventeen years even through the other moments and now it is a distant memory.  I had begun to feel my heart open to someone very recently and had it pulled away – but I still have love for him as he is still one of my closest friends.  I have learned to evolve for the first time.  But I will always love.  Always hold dear every man who has brought those feelings about in me, given me inspiration, no matter how things ended. Love is never a regret.

I have had the most beautiful of friends, from the boys I climbed trees with to the girls I rollerskated and innertubed with to the boys who confided in me to the girls who encouraged the reality of me.  I have laughed my face hurt and I have witnessed their shiniest and darkest of moments, as they have mine.  They haven’t all remained the same faces over the years but I am blessed, I am grateful.

If I could be anyone?  I would be me. But more of me.  The whole of me.  And I will keep striving to be more of myself, loosen myself from the fears and the layers that are holding me back.  Next year I will be traveling again.  This year I will be continuing to simplify.  I will not listen to what they say I should do but rather listen to what my heart tells me.  I will continue to follow my heart and I will continue to get up after every fall.  I will forgive myself when paths don’t cross at the exact time but I will not give up on those I love.  I will push down those walls and I will allow myself to be free.

I will be everything I was meant to be.

Just sayin’.


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