If all you can do is crawl, start crawling. ~Rumi
today i’m crawling, dammit.
i have hormones seeping out of every corner of the room today. i knew it when i couldn’t ride my bike home from work, and found myself standing at the stop to catch the train for a cheater (hopping the train up the hill and biking the last mile home instead of my normal 4.5 mile ride), and my eyes kept welling up. i read a few things that cut me fairly deep yet that i know i don’t have control over, and wanted to know so badly why, why the lies. but i’m seeing more clearly just by observing.
when it comes to the personal, i am still working on the mantra ‘observer’. i’m not good at sitting back and watching, or not opening my heart at the moment i want to purge what’s in my mind. so i wrote and then i erased. i very very rarely erase. unedited is a good way to describe me, and recognizing that it doesn’t take anything away from my wholeness to trim a few things here and there.
everything feels upon me. some battles ahead i’m not sure if i have the strength to fight. certain things i am learning that make me question my strength, my heart.
instinct: grab a pint, nurse it in front of the tv, get numb. didn’t. new response – banana stirred up with some nonfat cottage cheese. filled me up without crowding me, without sending my heart further down into the spiral in the way that only self-sabotage can do. only those who have dealt with addiction really know what these small victories feel like. it continues, the cravings will return, so this is what we call…practice.
i bought my house from a minister and his wife and two girls. when i moved in, i opened up my medicine cabinet to see this passage (below). i don’t believe in religion, but i believe in the power of words, and these words have reminded me in times where i question myself, that i have been down some hella winding roads.
my mind’s distracted and diffused… ~simon & garfunkel