good god get me away from the squalor of it all where they speak of crushing the competition then, for good measure, kicking in their teeth while they’re down that’s what they laugh about, curse about, boast about
i am an island of warmth, bringing in the people who offset the impotence of it all.
when i first met you, you sent me a simple message. be my impetus for change. i sat there, reading and re-reading, and took you seriously.
i am rolling away the modern world bit by bit.
no carriages or beating things against a rock, but i am thoroughly disenfranchised. walden: “let us spend one day as deliberately as nature” (thoreau). i walk home and i’d rather point to you to look at that cloud, have you read me a story from the old book. it is musty as old perfume when i pull it from it’s enclosure – we find romance in that.
and i think of what makes my body, my mind ache. it is that lack of truth in them, in the days i give away. computers don’t give me solace (they are a tool). industry doesn’t rev my engines (talking to you does that). their egoism isn’t a challenge for me to be like them (i’d rather plant these seeds i’ve saved).
i can barely inhale without analyzing how i should exhale. heart’s elasticity, weakened. forgiveness, shallow.
how do i find me in the world? how do i be brave and courageous and warrior like? this is what i seek it is time for me to run with the wolves. (you reminded me of that. no longer in my life but i am proud of the scars you left me with.)
today i thank him for the love he gave me in his words. for telling me aimee, you fucking rock my gray matter. for putting up my art on walls over pianos for the world to see and for melting scharfen berger and gorgonzola into french toast and for letting me wander fields and for taking that picture of she and i on the beach and for laughing as i drove your big white truck and for writing those words while you battled your own demons and for taking my hand when i was most lost after a chapter i thought had destroyed me and finally for letting me let you go when you couldn’t be true.
i’m not the same person now, but i’m better in ways. that’s good. i take every lesson learned with me in my knapsack for the ride..
now i see there is a path leading somewhere so new. that’s good. it’s faraway, it’s unclear, it requires going out of my comfort. but there is great possibility.
away from the squalor, the crushing of competition, the capitalism of it all. away from all that there are new buds coming out of the ground. and there is promise.
“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes