the mornings are too quiet. i wake instinctively, with nothing to do. i get up, i open the backdoor, i pretend nothing has changed. i wander into the kitchen, turning on the tap, with no bowl. there is nothing for me to do. i look down at the floor and see only small remnants of the dust bunnies that would gather in every corner. i swept so much. yesterday i did laundry, washing away the reminders. there is little for me to do. there is a knock at the door. more silence. there are squirrels and jays and feral cats, unafraid. i am a ghost, only floating, never stopping to sit. my chest is tight all the time, breath comes hard. it was just two days ago i laid around you, cradling you to my chest, you licking my wrist. i said i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. fourteen years and a thousand memories and a million ways i was comforted by your presence. no one is leaning on me now, no one is protecting me now. i was your mama. i will always be your mama. you will always be my sweet baby girl. you will look over me as my papa does. now you have the body back where you can stretch out into a run like you once did, roll over onto your back and get that good itch scratched, pull carrots by your teeth out of the garden, lie your head on my lap and sigh. i now have the world that pushes me to try something new, go explore and cross oceans, love others like you loved me. maybe there is something for me to do now. but i sit here and i still hear the record playing in the background as i kissed your forehead and said i love you, i love you my little girl.
In my solitude you haunt me With reveries of days gone by In my solitude you taunt me With memories that never die
I sit in my chair Filled with despair Nobody could be so sad With gloom ev’rywhere I sit and I stare I know that I’ll soon go mad
In my solitude I’m praying Dear Lord above Send back my love (~ Billie Holiday)
born ~1998, reborn November 2003, left my world on July 27, 2012