Magpie 37

Andy Dufresne: Forget that… there are places in this world that aren’t made out of stone. That there’s something inside… that they can’t get to, that they can’t touch. That’s yours. Red: What’re you talking about? Andy Dufresne: Hope. 

she wrote it all down then let it all break apart and slide through her fingers.  she had a way of doing that.  her heart on her sleeve and her thoughts overflowing onto the page, in the room.   they always told her she was too much. quiet down.

i am surrounded by some exceptional men right now.  great friends and protectors.  and for the first time in my life i am trying so hard to allow myself to be protected.  shielded from danger.  not stifled, just safe.  looked after.  or as they would say if they were women, nurtured.

there was a problem in my past where my own family situation was so disheartening that i could not be in another’s situation.  it just reminded my heart of all that was gone.  and if i went to a new family, i would have to put on a mask.  i need to be enveloped in love of family, and i battle the demon of risk.   how could i ever expect to be loved when the ones i wanted it most from were erratic at best, punitive and bitter and condescending at worst.


freda taught me to take chances.  even when i feel shaken.  even when i don’t know what the next day will bring.  she taught me to have faith to step in the direction i want to go and believe that these new situations were not the old – just because they were so selfish and cruel did not mean everyone else would be too.  not everyone may say yes or what you want them to say, but not everyone will say no either.

she gave me hope.

it is two a.m. and i find myself wrapped in a comforter, looking for memories.  do you remember us behind the counter in our polyester outfits and green sun visors, you all about the metal, me all about the new wave?  i see how far paths have diverged and i am glad to be where i am now.  all the experiences, all the lessons, and i made it.  i’m still kicking.  fuck it all, i’m still here, and there is still that hope.

respect the journey, my friend said.  unframe yourself.

’If you could just go through and release those things you are not wearing, release those things you are not using, release them and leave your experience in a clearer space, then the things that are more in harmony with who you are now will more easily flow into your experience.’ ~Abraham-Hicks


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