Magpie 41

time stood still last night.  i saw two ghosts, one in the room and another outside the window, a black and white face, a silent movie stuck on pause.  i shook and i said NO, leave NOW.  i couldn’t see, i couldn’t exhale.  this morning i stood up and looked back at my sheets in disarray.

inhaling slowly and closing my eyes, i went about my morning routine.  pulled on my stretchy yoga pants and an old white v-neck t-shirt, tossed some clothes in my bag, slipped on the three striped jacket with the ipod in the pocket, turned on some old soho tune, and put my head down, battling the winds and getting my head straight.  work work work and suddenly it’s dark, the rains are heavy, i am in black.  the light is gone, but the music is back in my ears and when i’m a walkin’ i strut my stuff and i’m so strung out…my head is down again and it makes the miles melt into each other.  my hair, my skin, my arms, my legs, everything is drenched.  i can feel water dripping down my lower back as i push aside the hair that has fallen in my face, and see the deep water ahead.  as i’m nearly invisible i have to go through it, the cars won’t see me if i curve around it.  and everything, everything, was instantaneously as if i’d been through the dunk tank. 

so when i get home i have to feel safe.  i want to turn the key and peel off those layers, slip into a hot shower and come out feeling drowsy and mellow and slip under sheets and fall asleep, with no worry for basic security.

but there is a set of cracks in the window in the basement room that i have discovered.  as if someone had thought they might try to come in that way.  i don’t know when it happened but it makes me shudder each time i see it.  it is good to have a renter down there now.  but it takes me back to that night i found a prybar inside my closet.  when i called the past and there was no jumping to come protect me. it’s a moment like that when you just know what you don’t want to see anymore.

time again passes slowly tonight.  i linger over the hands on the clock.  wanderlust is near, i shall crawl into your skin and sleep there.  you look after me and i look after you.  i am not afraid.  my shoulders drop, my breath slows, my eyes close. the train leaves the station.

“Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back...” - Eve Ensler


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