there isn’t much worse of a feeling than fear. she spoke of the presence that it can have in the heart and i gasped for air in the familiarity. i’ve not felt the feeling of paralyzing fear for many years and suddenly i am in a room with many doors. a thousand ways to create a barrier between your heart and mine and a thousand ways to stop breathing. i strained for simplicity and am drowning in your rules and regulations. i looked for a way out and found such vivid memories of a life that i left behind that i can hardly suppress the tears. when i first saw you i saw my eyes reflected in yours, you as my window and my hand in freedom. now i look and i see a solid door, firmly wrapped up in your own universe with no real understanding of or desire to give me what i need. i’ve never asked for the magic ticket, just to love and be loved. to feel safe is of more importance to me than anything i could have realized. to not have any conditions held over our touch. i’ve been pushed away enough in my life to know exactly what that looks and feels like. i’ve been put into a corner and had to claw my way out enough to know exactly when i’m not loved.
but it still makes the heart feel shredded to bits, even with self awareness.
i am exhausted from holding it together. i am exhausted from wondering if i will have a job in three weeks. i am exhausted from wondering why you can’t or won’t seem to truly see me. i know what it’s like to miss someone when they are right next to you, and slash my own heart trying to figure out if there is a way i can fix it. you are surrounded by doors and locks and i am about wide open spaces.
i am exhausted from missing myself, and looking for that initial reflection of me in your eyes. i detest the voice saying do not give up five minutes before the miracle. i am forlorn and like an athlete whose team has left the city, i am strong without an outlet. there is energy seeping out of me and all i ever wanted was the purity of your attention and i suppose it’s my own fault that i didn’t see it would be glazed in many many layers of a liquid that sears me to the core. i cannot bear any more chest pounding and self-defining, i just want to feel safe. my heart and my body and my soul craves looking after, but like i discover year after year, it’s a quiet road i seem to walk.
there is no solace and no solution. i struggle to inhale and exhale and know that i am not that girl of twenty-five. i am fuller and faceted and am looking for a place to hang my hat and a life to lead away from solitude. the little bird flew and saw much beauty but with beauty you also see the rest, and my heart cries out for the unexpected things i saw. there is no escape, and there is nothing a woman can do because the wolves howl whether i join them or not.
never would i imagine i would be at a loss for poetry as i am today.