and so i woke up thinking, after sleeping ridiculous amounts, ahh, girl, you are one ungrateful wench.  you sit here eating fresh blueberries picked just outside your door, and you feel low.  you sit here on your soft bed and type, and you feel blue.  you sit here and you wear your little skirt and shirt as you prepare for your morning ride into the city, and you feel alone.  ahh, you are one ungrateful wench.

i am staring at a pile of lessons to be learned, a mountain to climb of challenges i’ve been too afraid to face.  where to begin…one at a time or a little of each til everything is gone, til everything is just right.  all the while knowing that everything remains unknown.  here i go, wish me luck.  everything has left me where i am today, but i still need to get up and move, explore, open myself…

and the light is on, and my shoes are off, and she lay sleeping at my feet.  i know i don’t have to do everything at once, i know this.  i know just learning to be more patient with myself and with others is half the battle.  react less, observe more, listen and be heard.  even though right now?  i’d like to crawl into the circle that is arms that hold tight, lips on my forehead, chest to rest my cheek on as i sleep.

i am still that flower with petals to be pulled back, layers to be exposed, even with my thorny imperfections.  where is that voice that will reach back, that hand that will reach across, with the words that tell me, it’s okay, i’m still here, i’m not going anywhere.  his voice says even when you are not strong or at your best, i will still sit next to you, quietly.  and even when i am at my most imperfect or insecure, i will let you hold my hand, and sit quietly next to me.  no matter what the journey looks like – you forgive me, i forgive you, and we don’t run, we don’t escape, we don’t hide, we are each other’s sanctuary from the rest of the world.

perhaps it’s not like that in reality to some, but it’s something i’m holding out for.  near or far, past or future, it’s somewhere.  and i promise to keep my eyes soft, my heart gentle, my mind open.  i’ve loved so deeply, and been given love, and with others it has not been as welcomed.  but i still love, i still breathe in and out, i still hope to be seen.


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