my today

potosi sunrise

“Change can be stressful but you can think of it as a good thing. You’re no longer satisfied with how things were and you’ve now grown enough to be able to make the changes you want in your life. The old is falling away to make room for the new. This emotional stress you’re going through is just the growing pains on the way to the new, exciting life of your dreams.”

Emotional growing pains. When you feel your breath catch, when you sense your heart opening and closing without warning, when you know that something. is. going. on., yet you can’t quite put your finger on it. And if you choose, you can let your whole body and soul fully experience it. Or you can hide while it builds up (and continues quietly knocking at your door). Days when the world is calling at me from every direction, asking me for more, challenging my rationale, poking and prodding and expecting and testing – these are days when I have to take a breath and remind myself that the sweetness is just around the corner.

I used to read a lot of Iyanla back in my Seattle days, as did several of my friends. One of my closest friends lived just down the street and I miss him to this day, but am grateful for the years of friendship and know that he’s still in spirit. I used to call him up after any number of particular frustrations, and ask him “where the hell is the lesson in all this?” and he would chuckle, because he, like I, knew that the mystery would eventually be solved, over and over, as I continued to grow. Each time I let myself be enveloped by whatever feelings were flowing through me, allow myself to FEEL every sensation and then, just as willingly, release them, I would find a beautiful realization in the end. I would again understand why Maya said, when you are experiencing something challenging, to just say Thank You and accept the lesson.

“Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

So here I am, finding myself treading lightly, walking softly, speaking gently, observing deeply. I find I am intrigued by the stories of my friends, and find comfort in their empathy towards my own universe. And the more I wander, the more connection I find in these people I encounter. I smile more, I discover more, I inhale more, I live more.

Solstice comes in a few days and we celebrate the coming of the light. The turning of the Earth towards the Sun, the end of the darkness and the beginning of a new chapter where each day we can see a little more. And then there’s the tantalizing promise of the next season. Spring. Never have I found myself more impatient, and never have I found myself more willing to breathe through those feelings and allowing myself to be taught.

This year, a lot of experiences have slammed at my feet, demanding my attention, demanding my foresight, demanding that I listen. I must have had some mighty closed ears before, because this year was all about being yanked by the hair and dragged up to the surface. Forced to see the stark daylight, the blinding sun, the chilling moon. Feel the wind coursing through my veins and diving into the oceans that were all around me. Be brave. When turbulence comes, get on board for the ride and FEEL – rather than stiffen up, protest, and close the heart.

Tonight I feel safe. Tonight I feel lucky. Tonight I know.

I feel kindred spirits all around me. We all are on these incredible roads, intertwining. Journeys are made every day, and the more I let go, the more I observe, the closer I get. It may seem there is no greater irony, but I know that in this latest chapter, there are places I don’t want to cycle back to, and there are worlds I want to discover in ways that I’ve never allowed myself in the past. I feel like I am a woman on the verge of something phenomenal. But not in that star-struck, goofy way – rather, closer to the path I have been staring at in my daydreams.

“I feel there are two people inside me – me and my intuition. If I go against her, she’ll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely.“ ~ Kim Basinger


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