Peanut Butta and Feelings...

i don’t eat my product as a rule of thumb – i love what i make but once you are surrounded by fifteen pounds of dark chocolate, it loses its sex appeal, i promise. so when i create something new in my kitchen and it does that to me? oy. alert the authorities.

i have many passions and ways of expressing pieces of me but my food that i create for you is something that gives me what i’ve never found in any other endeavor…confidence. as a friend and i agreed (who has a special relationship with my cayenne truffles, i must say), if you don’t like my truffles there’s something mentally wrong with you. so, i don’t take offense. of course this is all gently jesting, but what my chocolatier life has done for me, truly? i don’t take it personally anymore. it is what it is, to quote that overused phrase. and that is an incredible feeling.

after a conversation last night that has led me to the crossroads of a particular quasi relationship, something has occurred in my heart. i could go my whole life not feeling that love that i’ve imagined, or it could show up on my doorstep tomorrow. words come to me from an individual and my visceral reaction? i love you. i adore you. but…do i admire you? it remains to be seen. because if fear of leaving the status quo is holding you at a distance, then i need to leave. if you want to extend your hand, and take that first step, i will be that soft place to fall.

and with that, i need to remember this lesson for myself. where am i hiding? what stifles me? who around me keeps me from living authentically through their mere presence?

i have an amazing friend who has been part of my transformation in this past year. and now everything is different. her sheer unconditional friendship and generosity has allowed me to increase my expectations of others. if she can be that way, there must be others out there…right? so then there’s the issue of tempering – learning how to live with those who are not as wonderful as her in their friendship, to put it obviously. because i am AWAKE.

on a side note…thank you to some exceptionally inspirational bloggers recently who have brought new perspectives, fantastic language, and personal experiences to their writing. being vulnerable on a plate is a beautiful thing.