when you’re on the edge they say you just need to leap because you’ll land on your feet or be caught.
what am i holding on to.
today i spoke to a friend. told her where everything originated. taking care of a father who mentally was dying since i was a little girl.
i had to keep him from dying. i had to do everything to take care of him. but no matter what i did he still chose them . so i thought i grew past it. i met a man at sixteen left him at thirty-three. he was like him.
i met a man at thirty-three. he was like him.
i met a man at thirty-six. he was like him..
i met a man at thirty-seven. he was like him.
each in different, beautiful, heartbreaking ways. each i felt blindsided when i figured out who they were. each time losing respect for my ability to make good choices.
i was never enough. i was never worth the effort. i learn to doubt myself.
there are moments when i see the sun. but right now i am not seen, i’m not heard, i’m not felt. and i lay here i lay here i lay here alone.
the world sees whatever it wants to see. my mind is unbuttoned for you to gaze upon, in all it’s fuckeduppedness, it all its glories, in all its confusion.
i sit on a precipice, surrounded by storms, by fog, by night.
i’m tired of being tired but i don’t want to get out of bed.
then i feel it. the blood within me. it’s his. he did this to me. he fucking did this to me.
how the hell do i let go.
how the hell do i let the man who created me uncreate me
so that i can live.