don’t you just hate waking up to this memory… (mexico, january ’09)

“she is always and never the same.” (unknown)

i sit with laptop on pillow in front of me, letting all my thoughts cascade until they rest gently on the bed. no matter what each day has brought, i have the comfort of each morning giving me the reprieve i need, the sweetness of a clean slate to wipe clean those nagging doubts, those foolish words, those times when I let self doubt slip in. and i allow the icy blue in to coat my skin, refresh my senses, enjoy all that is the life i lead, shall lead, have led.

“what i give to myself, i give to the world.” (iyanla vanzant)

giving myself to permission to feel and express and inundate the senses is something i no longer regret. this morning i am lazy and laughing at the world, looking for shortcuts and enjoying the journey all at the same time. i want scrambled eggs. i want sexy jeans to hug my curves yet stay on my hips rather than muffintoppin’ it. i want to wear four inch heels and shake it. i want to put on garden gloves and prune roses. i want to close my eyes and inhale jim & patty’s coffee. i want to zipcar it to the ocean and sit there and breathe in salty air and be free.

“if you can admit you are afraid and keep moving, you will be released from the fear.” (iyanla vanzant)

i’ve had so many interesting conversations this past month and started up new ones last night that continue to inundate my being. there is this plethora of personalities … you know how you look at a diamond and every angle sparkles a little differently? i give of myself whole and pure and let the chips fall where they may, and find my energy with those who can live life similarly. uninhibited. inspired by others. detracted, distracted, and dismayed is par for the course but in the end, i’m still shakin it. i just turn up the badu and i’m all about the dance.

“why wait for a change in scenery when you can make your own?” (unknown)

so ecogrrl wanders. she watches the lemon blossoms reach for the window. she sips and inhales and gulps and nibbles and savors and enjoys the hell out of it all. who can take it? hell if i know. but i have some amazing friends who reflect back at me in the most gorgeous ways, whether they are dealing with their own battles, and often never see their own great beauty in how their journeys affect me.

“freedom requires consistent and repeated acts of courage.” (iyanla vanzant)

yes i still wake up and think of my dad. not in that memories from cats way, but in the orphaned feeling. i have felt orphaned all year, searching for answers, searching for truth, searching for the unconditional that was lost somewhere along the way. i miss someone who is six feet underground. i miss someone who is alive but lost her way so many years ago. how do you reach someone who died the same day his body was discovered? i reached out so much and it is a mirage. “walk away when you must. walk the goddess walk.” (from an ad i cut out)

how do you walk that goddess walk when you need to be nurtured? you learn to ask for love in other places than where it seems everyone else gets it. you have to reach out to your companions and friends and sistas. you have to find it in the trees and the sidewalks and in the reflections in the glass.

“i am powerful enough to give what i have without losing anything.” (iyanla vanzant)

here i go, off into the winter day. let the smile creep up on my face and the breeze will settle around me. find that little spring in my step and glimmer of hope and the love of a friend and al that comes with pulling on that cozy sweater and remember all that has brought me to this day. “i am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.” (unknown)


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