a piece i wrote in january...
what do you do when you feel your life is now simply about running out the clock? you don't go buy that newspaper marking the date because why? who will you leave it to? you've gone through boxes of memories, sending old letters into the fire and magazines into the recycling, because why? who will you leave it to? you connect with people whose interest is only passing because they can't seem to figure out how to be friends with those for whom the dream of parenting has died.
and you feel dead inside.
when are you relevant to the world when those younger than you seem to have all the hope and the keys to a world where today, you distrust. your wide-eyed optimism left when they told you, over and over, that it wasn't going to work out. that no matter how many times you were told you were special, worthy, good at what you do, that your dream was meant to be discarded like scraps of this and that.
how do i find that light that she on the tv claims is there? how do i find a light in a world where a man tells a woman that he'll knock her out if she asks him again to put his mask on? how do i find light in a world that is focused on families? how do i find light in a world where my blood relatives were complicit with crimes against my eleven year old self...and complicit thirty years later, with no honor, no defense, no accountability as she brought him back into the fold. how do i find light in a world that hurts so very much, even when the stars shine brightly after this inauguration of change?
they're writing songs of love, but not for me....i hear those words humming in my ear, even though my love who sleeps next to me is my one and only truth. he takes care of me and he celebrates me and he learns alongside me.
yet i am irrelevant.
i talk to the animals and i make myself a lonely chai and i tell him, there is nothing sentimental beyond the borders of our land here.
yet where to go. oh where oh where.
because again, i am irrelevant. too pigeonholed. too old. too this. too that.
and even with the rationale of my sensible mind, the feelings persist. i have lost her. could i have taken them both on? not without feeling like i was turning into the one who never showed up. i loved her so much , i cared so much, that i gave my own dreams of motherhood because of my firm belief that no child should ever have to feel as i once felt growing up, that no child should ever be forced to live alongside a sibling who deliberately hurts them...even if it's because they themselves were hurt. there were solutions that were refused.
the news only talks about those with children as if my entire gender has just one purpose. those of us without, whether by choice or not, we are irrelevant to the conversation. we walk with unintended stealth. we are quiet because the ear shattering sounds of our irrelevance drives us inwards.
too many claim freedom and community yet practice hate and narcissism. they are so broken they push the needs of others into irrelevancy. they take away and tear down so that others continue to suffer.
yet i still wake up and think, tomorrow will be different. tomorrow i will find my way through the gray and tomorrow i will find that shred of light and tomorrow, i will find new relevance beyond the tulips in my garden and the birds that have no voice.
i've no other choice.