saturday – authenticity

When I opened up my eyes today

Felt the sun shining on my face

It became so clear to me that everything is going my way 

I feel like there’s no limit to what I can see

Got rid of fears that were holding me

My endless possibilities has the whole world opened for me

~ jennifer lopez, ‘feelin’ so good’

most of you have never met me in person.  those who know me, know i’ve got serious chaos in my head right now when it comes to understanding my own value (not feeling it from those types of people who have traditionally been fantastic supporters), trying to disseminate if something that has been disturbing me deeply is something that i’ve caused (where is this my fault/doing/problem/flaw). most of us are our own worst enemy, and i’m no exception.  i wake up running through conversations in my head that i can’t have, because in my mind, it’s meaningless if you don’t think they’ll listen.

someone i’m just getting to know asked me the other day a question i usually ask those in her position – what would you do if you could do anything you wanted?  and all i could respond was – nothing.  “nothing”.  not really, but it’s the kind of thing i don’t see as particularly skillful in my mind.  gardening, working on my home.   cooking. homesteading things that bring about real bliss. 

and i left out my words – i texted her later and said This, this writing thing is what i love.  it’s what i am a chicken about.  it’s why i have written anonymously for so long.  somehow i’m afraid of my own voice and the power it has.  and it reminds me of someone i work with who said – never be afraid of your own power.  and to this day, i say it out loud and it makes me cry.  because i am.  someone once said about aquarians, ‘you have no idea of the impact you have on other people’.  and it’s true.  i’m always both surprised and thrilled when someone compliments me.  not that i’m completely lacking in confidence, it’s just something i’m working on. and for those who follow my Words blog, a special thank you.  i am inspired daily by those around me.  thank you jayne, thank you erin, thank you dan, thank you annie, thank you amy, thank you sarah, thank you ed, thank you everyone who reads, supports, responds, creates.

sooner or later, i’ve gotta make it part of my everyday.

my dear friend over at 5seed wrote about getting us all to talk about what we love in ourselves – inner beauty in words.  so i finally said okay, i’ll do it. i wrote and i wrote, and erased and rewrote. i hit publish.  i shared it.  and an hour later, i deleted it.  christ.  so i’m a work in progress.  this friend though, she read it before i deleted it and emailed me back, a sweet hand slap and then this:

What I love about you: 1. Your strength 2. Your independent spirit 3. Your loving heart 4. Your creativity 5. Your determination 6. Your vulnerability 7. Your wisdom 8. Your depth 9. Your compassion 10. Your transparency

so hell, i’m publishing this, as i can’t undelete my story i chickened out on sharing.  but trust me, i will keep on trying.

and for those who don’t know already, my first name is the same as the singer from til tuesday.  

below, some stuff i’m turning into mantra, and music in my ears while i wrote this …xoxo…ecogrrl

from – four lessons about perfection…

1. Acknowledge the good in yourself.Yes, you need to improve, but see what is right with the picture, too. Perfection does not mean only seeing what is wrong.

2. Accept help from others.Don’t be ashamed to accept help if it is going to make your life easier. Our best work can rarely be achieved single-handedly.

3. Be aware of your larger purpose.Make an effort to not get lost in insignificant details and lose sight of your goal. Perfection does not equal nit-picking.

4. Aim for awesome, not flawless.This can be tricky, since we could stop ourselves short fearing that we might be pushing ourselves too hard. Perfection tastes best when peppered with balance.


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