snippet + snapshots

little snippets of what have flowed through my mind recently…

lying in the backyard, staring at the black leaf maple tree in my neighbor’s yard behind mine, watching the wind flow through it, watching it sway, amazed at such a deep intense level at the motion of the branches and the dance of the leaves. riding home today and thinking, how is it i think i look great til i try clothes on and they are tight, they won’t zip, or i look in the mirror and no longer recognize myself?  this fat is a layer that’s kept me from living.  this fat is holding me back.  this fat is my father, strapped to my belly and my thighs and under my chin.  some days this fat makes me understand why he wanted to die, why that was easier.  i heard that certain foods, and the changes needed to avoid them, have similarities to opiates – milk proteins in processed dairy (ice cream, ding ding), fast food, etc.  yet we are required to eat – every single day. how is it every time i look up at the sky there is something new and beautiful?  i love clouds.  damn i love clouds. fuck, they’ve ordered pizza for everyone.  okay, only one slice.  only two slices.  okay take the leftovers otherwise they’ll get tossed out.  okay eat one slice after class tonight.  okay throw all the rest in the dumpster to prevent anything stupid from happening.  okay i’m hungry.  fuckin’ carrot sticks – even if it is out of my garden.  i need comfort.  where is it.  really? in the trash bin.  no. hell no.  it’s in words, the reaching out of a friend far away.  it is orange juice. my back.  christ my back, what is the pain coursing from my lower right side of my back into my leg and down through my thigh.  i am too stiff. why won’t they stretch us out?  why are there women who hoot and holler thoughout class.  why? why? i need to do some yoga before i push myself in this class. i’m not sweating as i should as i’m in fear of hurting myself…


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