to put it lightly, i struggled today. not at work, just after going to the doctor. it wouldn’t make sense to most folks, but when i saw my doctor and her beaming smile that i just love, i fell apart like a little girl looking for her lost puppy. some people just have that way about them where you know you can cry if you need to. i have sniffled in front of friends but an all out cry? no way. i go home, i crawl into bed, and i stare at the ceiling, and on rare occasion, i let it alllll out. with her i was nearly in tears by the time she walked in. please heal me, i thought. and she made it all so simple, made me feel so human rather than weak.
but i still, even with that, carry this weight around on my back, this guilt, this disappointment with myself. you never know when you pass someone on the street what kind of burdens they cope with. you only know a few words. me, i battle the idea of opening up to people and telling them of my struggles, my frustrations, my fears, my insecurities. ‘no one wants to hear that’ you think. ‘you’re just feeling sorry for yourself’, you think. the voices in your head haunt you, some from childhood, some from former partners, some from just plain experience. if you speak up, they will leave.
i don’t deny i have abandonment issues. most whose parents took off at an early age do. and you deal with this, and wonder, are all my decisions colored by this? am i making smart decisions? was i too harsh? not harsh enough? was it wrong to apologize? was it wrong to wish they would reach out to hold your hand even though you’re not perfect, even in the worst of timing? am i worthy? am i needy? am i unrealistic? do i get to be happy if i have these issues?
thing is, we all have issues. we all have baggage. we all have drama. it’s how we bounce back that counts. i get so tired of people setting expectations to only be around people who are completely peaceful at all times, who always have it together, who won’t talk back. dammit i love my friends because they talk back and still love me back. that’s what real trust is.
and i walked home, and into the house. let the dog out, walked into my room, and fuck it if i didn’t wail. i barely recognized the sounds coming from my mouth, one of the few times i’ve unleashed since his death. i cried for myself, for my heart, for my soul, for my pain. and for a brief moment, i let myself go.
and i walked out into the backyard, with my ratty old white t-shirt on and flowing orange skirt, feeling my bare feet on the sharp edges of the brown grass, and saw the flowers of the mallow and the tomatoes fat on the vines and the cantaloupe blossoms multiplying. and i wondered, is there anything more beautiful than this simple life? is there anywhere else i’d rather be?
it’s the weekend of the perseid meteor shower and it made me remember last year…a boy i had just met took me out on his bike and we rode all over looking for a spot, finally settling in the park near my house, and laid out in the grass, staring up and pointing and laughing each time we saw a shooting star. no it was nothing like that, just a good vibe and a new friend. it was easy livin’. and seems like a thousand years ago. and when i saw that tonight is that night, a year later, i don’t know if i will go out to the park or lie in my backyard, but with these stars, i will allow my life if just for tonight, to be as simple as i dream for it to be.
that’s all i want. simplicity. and i’ll fight for it. and i’ll think of how we talked about it. and while my heart may swell, and while i may feel weak, or strong, or scared, or brave, or angry, or joyous i know there was something. i have instincts and i have simplicity. and i am still open.
who’d a thunk