(the godfathers in the background)

birth school work death

birth – my neighbor had her baby shower today…they have much love and strength and foundation to offer their little girl when she arrives next month…i am now officially surrounded by little ones on both sides of my home and across the street.  and the birth of a new chapter for my friend began saturday as well, as i watched her marry her love in a vineyard on the hottest of oregon afternoons.  both events naturally make you think of your own life.  you see others moving along and you remember when someone looked at you like that, and you wonder where your path will go.  yet at the same time, you must walk slowly, you are in fog.

school – my friends are getting ready for their kids to start school, all but one or two are parents now and they’re at ages from preschool to highschool, and i don’t know when i’ll see them next.  family people, us single folks call them.  the longer you’re single, the less you see them. there’s a loss of individual identity in some that makes me sad, cocooned in an ‘us’ and the others seem to fall out of focus.  i like to say my friends are my family but i know, truthfully, that in the end it is just me.  i spoke to a woman on friday who knew a friend of my father’s and when she asked about my family, it was so key to my whole life – on her side, i was ‘his kid’, on his side, i was ‘her kid’.  i stood alone, both sides already had their own legitimate families. i was that accident in the middle, wading through an unknown quagmire, forced to be independent, both a blessing and an incredible challenge.

work – i am no longer grieving the death of bittersweet.  i buried it willingly, and the signs this weekend, bloom after bloom of dark chocolate before my last hurrah as a professional chocolatier?  pointed to the fact that it’s time to move on.  but the mother of the bride is a writer, in the midst of self-publishing, and i think of how i might do that someday.  in two weeks i’m scheduled to do my first open mic night…and wish you, my writer compadres, were in the audience.

death – on the morning of the wedding i attended, i learned of the imminent death of a friend’s marriage.  i think of the people they were then and who they are now, and i think of my own story, and those i know, and how we evolve, and how you can never predict forever.  and while i am sad for what they are going through, i have never looked at marriage as a forever – if you can make it five, ten, fifteen years and leave with some beautiful memories and some amazing lessons, then you have succeeded.  if you handle it with grace and love and strength, you will pass that on to your children whose lives are being unwillingly changed by this new chapter.  death of one life leads to birth of a new life.  and we must be strong, and be embraced, and embrace in return, trusting in the process, the evolution that seems so murky.

and there it is.  today i painted sky blue all over the walls of what was once a very dark room and it made me smile and giggle to myself.  i turned the zipcar in with relief – no desire to have a vehicle, all it did was put me in a mood, impatient, and wasteful. driving because i could not because i should. but before i finished with it, i did sneak into the theater and watched one day and was left sentimental and thoughtful as i do after certain movies.  and so i am back home, a bowlful of pepperoncinis ready to pickle, a plate of jalapenos just picked, and my first charentais french heirloom melon plucked from the vine — the last one has ‘breakfast’ written all over it.  the air has cooled and i will sleep well tonight.but i am still maintaining my here and now.

godfathers are turned down, the record player will have jazz to lull me to sleep along with the breeze of the ceiling fan.  i am tired, i am unknown, but i’m willing to just. be.

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