wish i could tell you about this girl. this girl with that laugh that was unruly. she never drew in the lines, and you wondered if she even knew how. but you still loved her for that, even when she confused you and threw you for a loop and turned your world upside down. because you knew that she was, in all the ways you saw her, still just a girl that was in love with you. for reasons you may never understand, for worlds you have yet to discover with her, for the hope that you give her and the ways she sees herself in you.
there is something calming in the sensation of this love. i remember various forms of love and i remember how my nerves would never quite settle. i remember all the fear and how i never thought i’d ever feel the way i do today. without qualms. without denial. without fear. without regret.
sometimes you know everything and nothing all at the same time.
my heart, surrounded by bittersweet chocolate and vulnerability. a girl without a father steps out into the middle of the stream, water rushing around her legs. her heels sink in but the water becomes warm around her and she sees the new perspective, and laughs. she realizes that for the first time in her life she feels awake and alive and, scared or brave, she’s going to step out on that limb, love unapologetically, and breathe in all that keeps her warm.
i wish i could tell you about this boy. no idolatry, no teenage angst, no unrealistic expectations surround me. if there’s one thing i know it’s that i see the next chapter reflected back at me when we are near. it’s just easy. so when he feels pain, when he feels fear, when he scatters himself, it integrates into me. but in a way, now, that is not one of the former self (caretaker) but one of my new self (partner).
because no matter what? he saved me. no matter what happens in the long of the short of it, he found something in me that at the time i didn’t think anyone would ever see. and to this day, i’m not sure if anyone sees me quite the way he does. it’s more stunning than i could have ever imagined. and whatever is meant to happen will happen. or won't. it's okay. you weren't at my side when he died. that told me what i needed to know.
so i continue to write, to think, to breathe in each morning. to smile as much as possible, to push myself to see more in the eyes of everyone i encounter. and i will feed your memories.
“Imagine that the universe is a great spinning engine. You want to stay near the core of the thing – right in the hub of the wheel – not out at the edges where all the wild whirling takes place, where you can get frayed and crazy. The hub of calmness – that’s your heart. That’s where God lives within you. So stop looking for answers in the world. Just keep coming back to that center and you’ll always find peace.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert