saturday in the UK and i’m a million miles away. i’ve got reality facing me in just a few days and part of me is ready to take it full on and the other half has other things on my mind. i’d rather have nothing on my mind but am ready for whatever the world gives me. there is a small hand that offers up whatever the world wishes and sometimes i grasp it and others i slap it away…let me fall and let me stumble but give me places to find sanctuary when i need it and give me the strength i need to know what is instinct and when i should take chances. there are things i wonder if are ever attainable and some of them i know are from finding more and more of that simplicity that i feed off of.
what makes me whole again? the slicing of the knife through good food and the smells of my kitchen and the feeling of warmth and home. i am a wanderer who always comes home. the black and white of the day and the way i see light through your window. i am whole when i am typing and see you smiling across the room at me. i am at rest when my head is on your chest and i am restless when you do not see everything i need you to see. i am whole when i am creating, traveling, drifting happily and letting whatever shall be, be. it is a dramatic flow when you learn about new boundaries and it tests every sensation on my skin when i don’t understand immediately. taste it, swallow it, digest it, and move on, and feel every sound and taste every touch and do not be afraid.
my journeys are small and large and sweet and sour and thick and thin and each one brings my heart to a fullness it could never have imagined. i sense so deeply and feel so urgently that there are windows sometimes i must climb out of and all i can do is wonder where i would be had the wheels not turned beneath me. she knows what i felt and she gets the gypsy that is inside of me, she is not and is always the same or however the phrase goes. there is a wind that swarms me and there is an ocean that is so close but terrifyingly far away. i need sunshine and i need trees and i need salty air like you need your routines. there are few things i love more than the warmth of a lover’s skin, unquenched and deliciously available, the feeling of my toes in wet sand and the sight of my girl playing in the waves.
my head is dizzy this saturday morning as the words rush all around me these past few days, big and little and emotional and uplifting…i’ve always been a spirited girl and thrive when i am loved just as i am, pushed to be even more of myself and embraced so fully that i can be free and be safe, all at the same time.
i offer up myself to the sky, the sea, the evergreens. i miss my home yet i crave the open road. i am everything and nothing. i am the soft wind that caresses your neck when you walk and i am the blustery gale when you want to cry out to the stars and i am the sweet breeze of your summer’s morning when there is nothing to do but bask in my warmth.
i am lost and found and a conundrum and an answer. ask of me and i shall tell you what you want to know. open your eyes. see me.