unfiltered



Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. ~Zora Neale Hurston so when you fall, you know you are falling the minute you realize there is no ground beneath you.  but we’re grownups now.  we look at logic and reason and timing and we think – does this make sense?  is now the right time to be falling?  all the while, you can feel the wind in your hair and his words echoing in your mind, keeping you sweet and soft in your own little cloud of sorts. i’ve learned to stop asking those questions.  if i’m feeling, it means my heart is open.  i’ve never been one for following a roadmap, and i enjoy getting lost along the way, discovering things and learning things in whatever order they are presented.  and yes i’ve been completely fucking hurt out of my mind.  but – really – who cares.   i mean seriously!  they haven’t knocked me down yet – i’m still breathing and i’m still giving of myself. the other day a friend reminded me ‘there are no mistakes, only what we’ll do from here, doesn’t that make you feel good?’  i love hearing that.  because dammit if i’m not going to live intentionally, follow what my heart is telling me to do, and while i’m this work in progress, i know that it is love that makes the journey easier.  love is hope on the darkest of days.  love is what you reach for in the fog, hoping someone will reach back and take your hand. i finally said it out loud recently – i’m in love.  and all i can think is, i so very much want him to be happy.  they say that people show you who they are.  in this man i see an incredible core of strength and love and humor and sensitivity and poetry (not to mention damn sexiness), with this chapter sitting in front of him.  i am there as he turns the page, i am trying to be strong for him, and i am doing my best to give of my heart.  he is someone special to me and fuck all if i’m not going to be there for him. then there is me and my bevy of words and emotions, tumbling out of me, spilling out the sides, unable to be anything other than who i am.  i think of him and i become very tender.  i think of him and i see all sides of him, and he knows this.  because i have become very raw and vulnerable.  he knows me. but in the end it’s all about if we’re willing to keep our hand extended to the other when those dark moments come.  will you allow your soul to stay uncovered, open, so that it may accept all the love that is offered?  or will you turn away, go back to old habits where you don’t want anyone to see you in your struggle?  i’ve been that way.  he’s been that way.  i stand in your midst, i have given you me.  it is a road less traveled i venture on with you, but one that i know will, in the end, make all the difference.  i may be full of words when you are quiet, but know this, i am still here even as you battle.  you told me i was too important to you, you whispered in my ear, encouraging me to give you all of myself, let you unfold me, that you would always have my hand.  so know this, there are times when you need me to give this back to you and so i am here.  sometimes meek, sometimes silly, sometimes torrential, but always the woman you know and have uncovered.  let me give back to you as you have given to me. you already have my heart, please hold onto it.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

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