Every six years from the year I was born, I found myself in a completely different universe. The last picture was taken back in 2014, 2 months before my infertility was diagnosed. So where will I be in 2020? A mother? Wandering the earth like Cain in Kung Fu? Who knows.
“As women, we have to start appreciating our own worth and each other’s worth. Seek out strong women to befriend, to align yourself with, to learn from, to collaborate with, to be inspired by, to support, and enlightened by.” ~ Madonna
I’ve seen the world in so many ways than I do today, just a few weeks from my 43rd birthday. I had a lot more hope and optimism and feeling of control over my destiny before this infertility journey began, that’s for sure.
Who knows, maybe back in these earlier pictures I wasn’t infertile. Maybe there were eggs rarin’ to go. Or maybe my thyroid, which has been under-treated for the past 15 years, would have kept life from continuing inside of me even back then.
I’ll never know.
Like the premise of Sliding Doors, I don’t know how things might have gone had I done something different. What if I’d stayed in Portland when I was 20 rather than gotten in my little Chevy pickup and taken off? What if I’d finished my degree in the regular 4 years, and never gone exploring ? What if I’d stayed in Denver near my father and sunk deep into that ultra- suburbanite, country music, dry air, strip-mall, snow filled environment? What if I’d never divorced my alcoholic, narcissistic first husband? What if I’d never taken a chance on a fella 17 time zones away? What if I’d never taken the risk and started my own consulting business? What if…?
It’s time to let go of the what ifs. It’s time to own both where I’ve been and where I am today. It’s time to give back and, no matter my own situation, move forward in positive ways on this planet. It’s time to leave the toxic behind and open my eyes to a future that I may not have planned, but is still MINE to build upon. It’s time to nourish myself, honor my journey, and explore all that is possible. It’s time to find that enlightenment in unexpected places, because, after all, isn’t that how it’s always been for me? Have I ever lived a traditional life? No. Have I ever had a traditional family, traditional career, or traditional relationship path? No. So why the hell should I expect my future look like the majority out there? I shouldn’t…and I must start seeing this as a good thing.
I’ve dealt with a lot of shit, a lot of people telling me how I should be, what I should feel, how I should behave, who I should spend my time with, where I should go, and you know what?
today, as i write, day two of PIO shots for the mock cycle. i am messy, i am thinking, i am breathing, i am a work in progress as i arrive upon 2017
On this last day of 2016, I say thank you. As Madonna recently said:
“To the doubters and naysayers and everyone who gave me hell and said I could not, that I would not or I must not — your resistance made me stronger, made me push harder, made me the fighter that I am today. It made me the woman that I am today. So thank you.”