where it is today

my mind’s been jumbling this week.  the good news is, i accepted an offer for a really incredibly awesome job with a young company who needs someone who knows their stuff to really get them to where they need to be, to help them grow, to build something big.  and i know i can do a really kick ass job at it, to be honest.  the new level of confidence i’ve developed this past year has brought me to this point.  it’s made me really just say fuckall, you gonna love me?  cool. you don’t love me?  whatever.  no biggie.  i have been at a place that goes from light to dark to light to dark again.  but i announced i was leaving and the real people stepped up, the people who saw me.

i rode home tonight thinking of all kinds of things. the first was how some of it reminded me of high school and how that dynamic follows into the work world…i work with some of the ‘popular kids’…you know, the kind who seem normal then you realize they’ll never color outside of the lines, never speak up, and most definitely never, ever, understand anyone who doesn’t fit their mold.  they have no idea, and unlike another group i interacted with there, they wouldn’t dare to accept, much less celebrate, the individual differences each person brings to the table… Everybody loves you when you’re easy everybody hates when you’re a bore everyone is waiting for your entrance so don’t disappoint them ~sarah mclachlan and i rode on.  and i pulled out my notebook.  and i wrote.  and i poured a glass of wine. and i closed my eyes.  i breathed in and out.  i let it roll off my shoulders.  it is their truth, but not my reality.

there are things that make me breathe easy these days.  letters, long and short, that give me pause and give me comfort and make me smile.  there are my red beloveds, just beginning to bloom.  there is a fan, lazily brushing the air on my skin on a warm evening.

and there is promise…so much promise…i can’t put my finger on it, i just know things feel…as they should.


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